"I would I could say no regrets, and no emotional debts.."

Just in one of those weird moods:

I recently decided to not be friends with someone anymore, it was a mutual decision though. We both have been through a lot because of certain things, but we decided that friendship just isn't for us right now & maybe I'm better because of it. In the past, me and this person have decided off and on that we shouldn't have a friendship because of the consequences that come with it, but now I think I have finally realized that maybe we really shouldn't be friends. I wouldn't say I've done a lot of thinking about not being friends because I haven't. I just do a lot of thinking about the person and what the situation could be if we decided to stay friends. I just wasn't sure what made me want to stay friends with this person. This has really been on my heart lately (that sounds kind of weird) but it has, maybe because being friends with this person means a whole lot to me. This person means a whole lot to me. I  have realized though, that this person may mean a lot to me but I have other things in my life that mean a whole lot more and maybe I don't love this person the way that I should, or did. 

I try to define love:

Love. Loving someone is caring so much about this person to the point of caring about them before yourself.. right?

Love. feeling a deep affection or passion for someone; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.

But why did I love this person? Because of how they made me feel? What we did when we were together? Was our friendship solely based on that.. friendship? Why.. Why did I love this person so much, to the point of where I wouldn't let go of this friendship for anything. What was keeping me so attached? 

.. I don't know ..

What I do know is that it hurts. It hurts to lose someone you have grown so attached to for a long while now, whether it was your choice or not. What hurts more though is knowing that this person hasn't been as attached as you have anymore. Knowing that this person doesn't think about you anymore, this person doesn't care about the little things anymore. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. 

I don't like to talk about it.. as you can tell, (chuckles) but I do like to express what I'm feeling to something that doesn't speak back. I don't want to hear what someone would do in the situation, I just like to talk. 

In the past I would be fighting so hard for this friendship, I would. Right now though, there is no desire in me to fight. No desire to keep us alive, no desire to stand up for us. Why now.. all of the sudden? I wouldn't call it moving on because I don't think I have, in any matter, but I feel like there is no desire to even send that text; that text to make me feel better. 

Before I go though, I would like to be able to lay down at night and just be able to go to sleep without thinking. If I could take anything out of my thoughts, it would be you.

"All I can ever be to you, 

is the darkness that we knew,

And this regret I've got accustomed to.

Once it was so right-

..I don't understand,

Why do I stress a man,

when there's so many bigger things at hand.

We could of never had it all,

we had to hit a wall,

So this is inevitable withdrawal.."