I still taste you,

thus reserves my right to hate you:

When I don't speak to you I honestly feel like a drug addict. I feel like I'm feining for you, to speak to you. I have withdrawls and I can't think about anything else, or focus on anything else.


But then there's that instant when I do speak to you, when we're talking and it feels like a needle being stuck into my arm, soothing all my pain. I'm back to feeling the high that you give me. Everything feels right and my mood is instantly better. I can function,

You are my fix..
but God damn, I wish you weren't.


on another note:
As soon as everything felt right, things felt like they were falling into place, there's always something that blows up in my face. The way I choose to live is not 'right' according to you thus, we constantly bump heads. And I say bump heads, because it sounds better than what really happens. I constantly have to change myself to live to your standards, which, to be honest, is understandable but what about you? You stay the same, and I'm always molding myself for you.

I won't say much more.
We will live in complete silence, because I can barely say that I even love you anymore.

Bitch I can turn a crack rock into a mountain,

dare me:

I just wanna chill out for awhile, these ideas are so deceiving, these ideas i have are just disguises. deceiving disguises to cover up what i don't want to see.

i feel so much better

i can relax... for now.

these are my exact thoughts at 10pm.

I'm another day late and one year older,

I'm a failure by design:

It's good to be back in routine. I'm wanting to have a routine for the whole day to keep myself busy. I'm hopefully getting a job soon (no lie) and I'm gonna start working out tomorrow (HA) but seriously. Routine seems right for now,

I just want to happy, and if I can't then I want to do things that make me happy even if it's for an instant. Regardless of what it may be. That's what 2010 is about.

Started school today, ugh school. I wish learning didn't cost so damn much, maybe then I'd enjoy it.... nah.

I love that my friends are getting their own places but I hate that they're so far from me, haha. dangit. That doesn't stop me from seeing them though.

aghghghgh, i just want a job already.

new people,

new environment,

money,

me being productive,

who wouldn't want to hire me? (creepy smile)

That was stupid.

I'm stupid.

You're stupid.

This is stupid.

Don't know why I get high,

but I get high, I get high like every single day

you do shit that them other women can't,

mary jane what is it you've done to me?

it helps it hurt less

Get high and Screw the world,

And that's that.

I listen to her heart beat

because it plays my favorite song:

i just want to feel how i feel right now, forever.

i am higher than any drug can make me,

i could die happy in this moment.

i love you,

I want to be forgotten,

and I don't want to be reminded:

I feel like I'm starting off this year right. I have all these plans in my head, all these "resolutions". 2010 will be good for me.

I found a quote that's perfect for my mindset this year:

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."

I feel like I have to keep telling myself this. Especially since my dad lost his job this past year I have to remember that everything that I want is not the same as what I need. And after learning that what I've been fighting for this whole time will be nothing in the future. (Hold your head high, heavy heart)

I will learn to be happy with what I have.

I'm not ready for school to start, but I am. I think I'm really going to like my classes this semester. One class in particular, this piano class. I just really want to learn how to play piano, for awhile now. Like i've just been craving it, haha and I don't even know how to play. My other classes are just like intro to psych, gov't., and speech. It'll be a good semester. Now to figure out what I want to major in .... damn.

Ha I almost feel like this is pathetic but it sucks when you're good friends or best friends are in relationships. Not like 'ugh they have boyfriends now' but like it just reminds me of how it feels to be so infatuated or so in love, you know? You hear their stories and you remember what it's like. And you know it only sucks when you're trying to get over someone you once loved. I hate the constant reminder but I'm so happy for those who feel it because it has to be the best feeling in the world. Just enjoy it while it lasts,

For now, listening to Death cab keeps me calm.