Acceptance is what keeps us here, and you my dear are the one I fear,

tonight we'll try just one more time:

I hate this feeling, this feeling of Sunday night and knowing how much shit I have to do this week how stressful it's going to be. Tests, speeches, papers and just homework... ugh, thinking about the stress I'll have to bear this week makes me uneasy: like I said, I hate this feeling.

But the best feeling in the world that takes that eliminates that feeling completely is that my birthday is this week, and then from my birthday on, I don't have anything else- school wise for the rest of the week. I'll be able to chill and enjoy my weekend. (to an extent) (MARLEYFEST.)

So I'm watching American Gangster and I love that he falls in love with a hispanic woman, and same in Blow. The drug lords just love themselves some hispanic women. Hahah, but I get it they're just sexy! But being a drug lord, how awesome would that be? You'd have so much power over so many people. I think if I had a choice, I wouldn't be one. I wouldn't want to live with the stress of always having to be on my toes about everything. I just wouldn't feel that safety for my family and for myself. Money and power aren't worth that sort of stress. Plus, I wouldn't purposely put unnecessary stress on my family at all, or myself for my personal benefit (if it was optional). I can barely handle the stress of school and shit, (shakes head)

I'm not really confused but I don't get it. I'm not sure how to react or how to handle myself. I know what I can and can't do but if I still feel a certain way it's hard for me to act any different than how I feel. I'd like to act on my feelings but I don't want to ruin or lose anything that I know can be lost at any second.

I say that I wouldn't put myself unnecessary stress on myself for personal benefit or personal feelings or to be selfish, but does this make me a hypocrite? When it comes down to it, I never even think twice. Deciding whether this is good for me or not is hard, a decision that doesn't come lightly, and to be honest I don't want to make it. I know what makes me happy, I just wish it was more attainable. I dwell on this but it's a waste of my thoughts. If I was a person who thought things through, was orderly about every decision, and cared, I wouldn't even waste my thoughts. But because I am not all of those, I am here. And I'm afraid I'm gonna stay here until I decide to get off my ass, and think straight.

I'm exhausted and I don't do shit.

I'd like to stop this life of routine and never start it again.

I'd like to be able to do things and not have to explain myself to anyone,

And I'd like to feel independent and not rely on other people

for anything I have or anything I feel.

So there are some things that will just have to change.

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy,

even if you're not part of their happiness.”