Smoking on that private grown,

it put me where I belong:

So I realized the reason I love to listen to Lil Wayne, Drake, basically all of young money, (and my most recent love Nicki Minaj) ...not only because I love Wayne and Nicki Minaj the most but because when I listen to their music, it doesn't make me think of anything. And I know that sounds like their music doesn't make me think or anything but that's not the case. I mean that my mind is blank, I have no worries, I'm not stressing over anything, and for those two or three minutes while they're occupying my thoughts, I am calm. and happy of course.

I've decided that I'm really ready to get out of Keller. Like, I like all my friends and it's cool being home sometimes but damn, I am really ready to be out of here. I feel like I'm re-waiting for my life to start...again. Soon though, soon! Keeping my head up, and staying positive.

Now if only I could get a freaking job. I feel like I try over and over and over again, and all the decent jobs that I wouldn't mind having always, don't work out. fuck, it's frustrating.

Living at home is like my number two thing on my 'dislike-the-most' list, all the advantages out weigh the disadvantages indefinitely. One advantage that I love though, is being able to be with my brothers, haha so corny but it's true. Yeah I love them and all that shit but it's especially nice when: you don't have any money, you don't have any friends to hang out with, or you just need a couple of people you can be yourself completely around and they don't mind.

by the way the number one thing on my 'dislike-the-most' list is job hunting

-___-

I think that when it comes to relationships, I lower my standards because it's just nice to have that attention from someone... sometimes. I don't want to explain much more, but I realize now that I do that. I know what I can and can't have and I shouldn't lower my standards just because. Working on finding that person that feels right.

Maybe this will be fun, maybe trying this for real but with someone different will be good for me, a better understanding, help make things clear for me. ... or the complete opposite. for now, i'll run with it.

Even though I've finally come to terms with the fact that we can't and won't be anything again, I am really grateful for you. I've realized recently that you have taught me so much. You've taught me so much about myself, you've helped me learn how to cope with my feelings, and how to talk about them versus keeping it to myself and I'm so grateful for that. You taught me how to admit that I can be wrong, and how to apologize and be sincere about it. You taught me to speak my mind, no matter what people think. You do that, and even though you didn't know I was watching and learning from you. Even though I may blame you for a lot of things I can't explain, I'm more grateful that you were once in my life and you taught me all that you did. I love you, I will be forever thankful for you.

Random but, I hate that it's such a small world. It makes me want to get out of here faster. I want to go to a place where nobody knows anybody and there's not weird connection from one friend to another. I want to find that place

sweet like candy to my soul,

sweet you rock,

and sweet you roll.

lost for you, i'm so lost for you

you come crash into me

This post is long because it's comprised of my random thoughts I've had all week.