B-b-bad as I wanna be,

she ain't bad, she a sad little wanna be:

"I make mistakes. That's what I do. I speak without thinking. I act without knowing. I drink so much that I can barely walk. I'm a fantastic lover though, and an amazing friend; God knows I mean well. - Carrie Bradshaw"





and i can't wait for the movie to be out.

//////////////4.29

I just think I got scared for a second. Well more like 30 minutes, but scared none the less. I haven't cried in a long time and it felt weird to cry the other night. I haven't felt strong emotion (well enough to cry) for awhile and it sorta came out of no where. I was shocked actually, so I needed someone to talk to and so I talked to someone. A good friend of mine, someone who knows me very well. She talked me down and then I was back to normal. Thinking and talking about normal things, acting normal. I explained to my friend that it was scary how far I've come and what's ahead, and how getting that emotional about something I thought I wasn't expecting to be emotional about anymore. See:

I was like an open wound, and instead of deciding to heal the right way I just put band aids on for temporary relief. Until I noticed that band aids don't last long and I'm exposed once again, and it hurt every time, sometimes worse than the time before. That's how it was for me

but now it's not, and it hasn't been for awhile.

But I think trying to get to know someone all over again is scary. I think being interested in getting to know someone else is scary but I'm not acting scared, haha I'm acting like I know what I'm doing. Like I do this often. But it's nice to have someone that makes me smile a lot like you use to-But no. I'm not doing that, I'm not comparing, there's no comparison here. The past is the past, and now is now. It's different, and it'll be different. But I'm not acting scared.

And I'll see where it goes from here but I can only be optimistic because, well just because. So yay

This town's a different town today,

this town's a different town to what it was last night:

Writing in my blog use to be a lot easier.

Maybe because I was a lot more emotional than I am now.

Now a days I'm doing one day at a time and not looking back. I'm not dwelling on things I can't change and I'm not gonna base my future decisions on those things either. My life is a learning process and I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I like that I have friends I can talk to this about, about learning, about life. I like that we all share different experiences and can help each other when we get put in those certain situations. I like that my friends are experienced, (more experienced than I am usually). It's like having an older sibling or something helping you along the way through life. I have legit friends.

hm, like I said this use to be easier. I find myself just sitting here listening to Arctic Monkeys and staring at the screen thinking about what I could write about. ... I just did it again. sheesh,

Well I mean there isn't really anything going on in life. This past weekend/week was filled with so many crazy events. I'm surprised I'm not just fried completely, haha. The bad thing about being so crazy is my tolerance increases and that, my friends could be bad, and expensive. bahah (stupid, that was stupid)

Speaking of expensive, I NEED A JOB, I NEED A JOB, I NEED A JOB, I NEED A JOB, I NEED A JOB.

(sigh)

Going out of town again this weekend, I don't mind it at all to be honest. I like to get away from here for a bit. Probably explains the reason I'm in Denton so much. Anyway, yeah, we'll be in SA this weekend for FIESTA woo woo! I'm getting more excited the closer this weekend comes, I get to see my friend :)

and spending time with family will be good too,

I think I'll only write now when I feel emotionally inclined to, haha. Otherwise this could get pretty boring!

She broke down the other day, yeah you know

Some things in life may change

And some things they stay the same

mary jane > everything

me

^

^

^

^

you

///////////////////

It's the beginning of the end, the car went up the hill,

And disappeared around the bend, ask anyone they'll tell you that.

It's these times that it tends,

The start to breaking up, to start to fall apart

Oh! hold on to your heart.

Do me a favour, break my nose!

Do me a favour, tell me to go away!

Do me a favour, stop asking questions!

She walked away, well her shoes were untied,

And the eyes were all red,

You could see that we've cried, and I watched and I waited,

'Till she was inside, forcing a smile and waving goodbye.

Curiousity becomes a heavy load,

Too heavy to hold, too heavy to hold.

Curiousity becomes a heavy load,

Too heavy to hold, will force you to be cold.

And do me a favour, and ask if you need some help!

She said, do me a favour and stop flattering yourself!

How to tear apart the ties that bind, perhaps fuck off, might be too kind,

Perhaps fuck off, might be too kind

I don't kiss losers and I don't kiss winners

And I don't fight for honor cause we're all born sinners:

Right now, I am the definition of happiness.

I wouldn't call my life perfect in any way right now, but in this moment, this instant. I am really really happy. It's incredible how things fall into place with a little work. I feel incredible and the rest of this week as well as this weekend will be awesome.

I just want to document my happiness but there's no telling how long it'll last

Acceptance is what keeps us here, and you my dear are the one I fear,

tonight we'll try just one more time:

I hate this feeling, this feeling of Sunday night and knowing how much shit I have to do this week how stressful it's going to be. Tests, speeches, papers and just homework... ugh, thinking about the stress I'll have to bear this week makes me uneasy: like I said, I hate this feeling.

But the best feeling in the world that takes that eliminates that feeling completely is that my birthday is this week, and then from my birthday on, I don't have anything else- school wise for the rest of the week. I'll be able to chill and enjoy my weekend. (to an extent) (MARLEYFEST.)

So I'm watching American Gangster and I love that he falls in love with a hispanic woman, and same in Blow. The drug lords just love themselves some hispanic women. Hahah, but I get it they're just sexy! But being a drug lord, how awesome would that be? You'd have so much power over so many people. I think if I had a choice, I wouldn't be one. I wouldn't want to live with the stress of always having to be on my toes about everything. I just wouldn't feel that safety for my family and for myself. Money and power aren't worth that sort of stress. Plus, I wouldn't purposely put unnecessary stress on my family at all, or myself for my personal benefit (if it was optional). I can barely handle the stress of school and shit, (shakes head)

I'm not really confused but I don't get it. I'm not sure how to react or how to handle myself. I know what I can and can't do but if I still feel a certain way it's hard for me to act any different than how I feel. I'd like to act on my feelings but I don't want to ruin or lose anything that I know can be lost at any second.

I say that I wouldn't put myself unnecessary stress on myself for personal benefit or personal feelings or to be selfish, but does this make me a hypocrite? When it comes down to it, I never even think twice. Deciding whether this is good for me or not is hard, a decision that doesn't come lightly, and to be honest I don't want to make it. I know what makes me happy, I just wish it was more attainable. I dwell on this but it's a waste of my thoughts. If I was a person who thought things through, was orderly about every decision, and cared, I wouldn't even waste my thoughts. But because I am not all of those, I am here. And I'm afraid I'm gonna stay here until I decide to get off my ass, and think straight.

I'm exhausted and I don't do shit.

I'd like to stop this life of routine and never start it again.

I'd like to be able to do things and not have to explain myself to anyone,

And I'd like to feel independent and not rely on other people

for anything I have or anything I feel.

So there are some things that will just have to change.

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy,

even if you're not part of their happiness.”

On your way home you should have known, you never listen to me

I'm only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie:

This week has been a mix of stress, happiness, confusion, and exhaustion. And I've realized that every emotion I have felt so far this week, I have only brought upon myself, not necessarily a bad thing though. It may sound cheesy but I've learned to think happy thoughts, and it really does make a difference in the day I have.

My life consists of the two S's:

smoking

school

don't really need anything else for now.... except for a job dammit.

I swear I try my hardest, I apply to places like everyday and never get a call or if I do get an interview it never works out. I feel like giving up, but getting a job is like the only thing I really want right now, like REALLY want. I don't even care about the working part, I just need the money.

no money= too much stress.

...but also MO' MONEY MO' PROBLEMS

How crazy is it to think that I'll be done with my second year of college at the end of this semester. I swear it feels like college moves so much faster than any other schooling. I'm pretty sure it's because the semesters feel like their own years, haha. College is so stressful and so great at the same time. Even though I'm only at a ju co. I'm grateful to be able to be in school at all. And soon! Texas State! (crosses fingers)

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.”

Smoking on that private grown,

it put me where I belong:

So I realized the reason I love to listen to Lil Wayne, Drake, basically all of young money, (and my most recent love Nicki Minaj) ...not only because I love Wayne and Nicki Minaj the most but because when I listen to their music, it doesn't make me think of anything. And I know that sounds like their music doesn't make me think or anything but that's not the case. I mean that my mind is blank, I have no worries, I'm not stressing over anything, and for those two or three minutes while they're occupying my thoughts, I am calm. and happy of course.

I've decided that I'm really ready to get out of Keller. Like, I like all my friends and it's cool being home sometimes but damn, I am really ready to be out of here. I feel like I'm re-waiting for my life to start...again. Soon though, soon! Keeping my head up, and staying positive.

Now if only I could get a freaking job. I feel like I try over and over and over again, and all the decent jobs that I wouldn't mind having always, don't work out. fuck, it's frustrating.

Living at home is like my number two thing on my 'dislike-the-most' list, all the advantages out weigh the disadvantages indefinitely. One advantage that I love though, is being able to be with my brothers, haha so corny but it's true. Yeah I love them and all that shit but it's especially nice when: you don't have any money, you don't have any friends to hang out with, or you just need a couple of people you can be yourself completely around and they don't mind.

by the way the number one thing on my 'dislike-the-most' list is job hunting

-___-

I think that when it comes to relationships, I lower my standards because it's just nice to have that attention from someone... sometimes. I don't want to explain much more, but I realize now that I do that. I know what I can and can't have and I shouldn't lower my standards just because. Working on finding that person that feels right.

Maybe this will be fun, maybe trying this for real but with someone different will be good for me, a better understanding, help make things clear for me. ... or the complete opposite. for now, i'll run with it.

Even though I've finally come to terms with the fact that we can't and won't be anything again, I am really grateful for you. I've realized recently that you have taught me so much. You've taught me so much about myself, you've helped me learn how to cope with my feelings, and how to talk about them versus keeping it to myself and I'm so grateful for that. You taught me how to admit that I can be wrong, and how to apologize and be sincere about it. You taught me to speak my mind, no matter what people think. You do that, and even though you didn't know I was watching and learning from you. Even though I may blame you for a lot of things I can't explain, I'm more grateful that you were once in my life and you taught me all that you did. I love you, I will be forever thankful for you.

Random but, I hate that it's such a small world. It makes me want to get out of here faster. I want to go to a place where nobody knows anybody and there's not weird connection from one friend to another. I want to find that place

sweet like candy to my soul,

sweet you rock,

and sweet you roll.

lost for you, i'm so lost for you

you come crash into me

This post is long because it's comprised of my random thoughts I've had all week.