Let Me Go;

You're sitting on your bed
You're grinning from ear to ear
I can smell the evening some things seem pleasing to you and only you
I was waiting up for you
Well I worried about you
I put them to bed
But they missed their dad
Just where in the hell where you

The first step is always truth
That's my first suggestion to you
I can do my best if you'd get some rest
And you tell me just what you do

I wanna help you
I wanna bring you back to life
But your sad sick brain knows one damn thing

and it comes out every night

So, don't let me go
Don't let me go

The choices are hard to make
You make this harder every day
Sure I'm leaving it's more deceiving, I'm fumbling for the words to say
I gave you everything I had
Well, I love you til the death
And the hearts gonna beat, you're able to breathe
Surely you're dead to me
The shivers and shakes your body makes are gonna go away
That's the price you paid for the games you played
And nothings going to change
I can't help you, I can't bring you back to life

If you find your help from someone else

that's there and has the time

Just don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

Try to get dressed and put your shoes on
Let's get to the car, let's make this right
The drive is short but it sure feels long
That's just how it is when you're leaving home
This isn't the end of your life
It's more like a pause and soon a start
You'll be back on your feet again in no time
If you're not with me, well I'm just not fine.

Tried convincing God to change you
We had it out and he said no
Said a choice is a choice and he says you made it
He helped you along but God why is nothing free

You fill me up with hope, god, I used it
I used it all, on you, can't you see?
There comes a time when you choose for another
So I'm making this choice, just for the three, that we made
And don't you remember

So just let me go
Just let me go
Just let me go

Just let me go

Cold, cold water surrounds me now,

and all I've got is your hand:

So school has started for me. Well it actually started yesterday, ugh. It actually hasn't been too bad and I don't think it's going to be bad. Compared to TWU, TCC is nothing but still it's school and it's not like I can't try. It's just the whole concept of school that I hate, haha. I do love meeting new people in my classes and having people to talk to at least!

Other than that, nothing else is really going on. I'm slowly but surely looking for a job. I think I just keep thinking that one of these places are just gonna call me just out of the blue, and thennn they never do. UGH. I don't know what else to do, there's only so many places you can apply and what not. sheeeesh.

The thing that I do like about my schedule for school is that I get done between one and two like every day except for Thursday, that's when I have my lab. It's really awesome being able to just chill for the rest of the day, but shit I need a jobbb! My schedule is perfect for a job!

I'm recently studying out love. I've been reading different books about love, like how to love, why we love and how to fall out of love. To me, I think that I don't really know what love is. I'd say that I've fallen in love once but I'm just not even sure if it was falling in love. That's why I want to study it out. I want to be able to have like legit text and be able to back myself up. So far I'm learning a lot. I really wanna continue to study it out though.

I miss my friends, everyone is going back to school and I just miss them. The last month of summer just flew. Like, I have no idea where August even went. I don't mind change, in fact I welcome it, but I miss my friends. Still though, I'm glad everyone is doing their own thing. It makes for good stories when we all come back and see each other again :)

For now, that is all.

I'll savor every moment of this:

You know, I just can't figure out why I do some of the things I do you know? It's not even just me, like why do people do the things that they do? What compels someone to go against every advice, instinct and guidance that someone gets. You want something so bad even though you can't have it. Is it suppose to be? Are you meant to be together? Why hold on for so god damn long? Let go, fucking let go.

i can't.

No matter how hard I've fucking tried. I set myself up every time to feel the way I always, ALWAYS feel. Yet, I never learn from my mistakes. When I describe a relationship as an addiction, where the hell did I go wrong? Why can't I see what's so plainly in my face. Am I really that much of an idiot?

damn.

Is there a fucking cure? If I could cure myself, if I could disengage you. (if that makes sense) If I could just get rid of you, just even for a week. I'd do it. ... or would I? Would I be happier? Would it help not having you in my life? Is there really something that big of me missing when you're not here, when you're gone. I haven't even given myself a chance to see. Or maybe I have but shit, I don't wanna do that again. Ah who am I kidding, I'd do it, I'd totally do it. If it means not getting sick to my stomach every night, not feeling like shit after seeing you, and maybe if it means me actually being honestly happy? Yeah, hell yeah I'd do it.

What I do know is:

i'm sick of writing every song about you.

On another note: School starts on Monday for me. Fuckingggg Monday. Here we go again college, better luck this time, huh? Yeah I sure hope so, for my own sake. I'm jobless and I'm about to start community college for my second year of college. Way to fuckin' go, huh? Haha, man I never thought I'd be at this point. I mean look at me, hahah. All I can do is laugh, how immature am I?

Realistically, I do judge people on maturity, it's what I do, it's what I look for. I've recently discovered that no matter how old you are, you can be really, REALLY immature. Not even in the sense of like making jokes and fucking around, I mean literally your actions. Like what were you thinking? So realistically, I'm not even mature in my own definition of mature.

I'd say that's pretty sad.

I'm not mature even in my own definition of mature. AND I judge people on maturity, and look at me. If I saw myself or knew myself I would judge myself and say "why yes she is immature, do not be friends with her." I would say that, or I'd think it at least. bahhh, who am I kidding.

This is a joke, life can be a joke.

Let's just enjoy the ride shall we?

What I am to you,

you do not need:

I've been having really good days lately. Like, just days where I'm happy. I do things that make me happy and nothing really has phased me. I guess this feeling will only last for a little while longer before school starts, hm. I feel like once school starts all this stress will just overcome all my good days. All my good days will feel non existent. I'm thinking that maybe this semester will be different because it will be a new environment, new people ,and I'll be all alone. My first semester where I'll be by myself. In the sense that I won't have anyone in my classes, no one I already know. It's not like summer school, ya know? Summer school is for like five or six weeks. but a whole semester though, that's like four and a half months.

I like to think that stuff like going to community college by myself doesn't phase me, but in all actuality, it does. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

I didn't realize how much I missed playing sports. You know when you're a kid and your parents put you in all sort of sports, you never realize how much exercise you're getting a week while playing around. I miss being on teams, I miss the exercise, I miss sports. I just miss it, sometimes. (shifty eyes)

I notice that this whole summer has been a summer of just random people. People that I guess I never thought I'd be hanging out with. I've made a lot of new friends and been chilling with a lot of old ones and this summer has really been great. (minus a few key factors) Overall a legit summer. Although, I didn't get to hang out with everyone I wanted to, and not for the length of time I've wanted to. hm.

I've been wearing your bracelet. I don't really know why I wear it but sometimes when I look at it, it makes me feel better. I don't like to admit this: but having your bracelet on my wrist is as good as it's gonna get for me and you, so it helps me cope. I hate having to cope.

damien rice: accidental babies

(sigh)

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song..

you can't believe it, you were always singing along:

You know I thought this would hurt more, or maybe I didn't think that, I just thought this wouldn't happen this way. Physically, I gave you everything. Emotionally though, you haven't taken anything from me. I guess it only hurts that you thought I couldn't be civilized, I don't know if you forgot how I am already but I can be civil. I just hope that since it doesn't hurt me, that it doesn't hurt you too..

On another note though,

I have a lot of things,

I have this speech written. Word for word written to tell you exactly what I feel. If my feelings could be put into perfect words, this speech would be it. The only problem is actually getting these words out of my mouth. Everything that I've written, it's hard for me to say, it was SUPER hard for me to write. I have this ideal way of how I'm going to say it, what tone to use, how I might cry, how I might get angry, how I will tell you to be quiet and let me finish, cause you never do. Just the act of doing this speech will probably be the hardest. I don't want to say it because I'm scared, that's just it. I'm scared.

so why do you fill my sorrow

with all the words you've borrowed

from the only place you've known

and why do you sing hallelujah

if it means nothing to you,

why do you sing with me at all?

I have this fear of being alone and if I give this speech that's exactly what I'll be.

I have these waves of listening to different artists a lot at one time. There are so many perfect songs for these situations I get into. I almost feel as if they were written to speak for me. I love finding songs with perfect lyrics.

I have plans. I had plans, and am in the process of making new plans. These plans aren't shaped or formed around anyone. I have these plans of where I will live, where I will go to school, the people I will meet, the places I will go. I wish I could just have like a big push from someone to get my plans started. For now though, I'll just have to wait.

The waiting game has never been a favorite of mine.

What I want from this is

to learn to let go.

no, not of you

of all that is old.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

The kind you'd find on someone that could save:

So I've been realizing more and more what I want is not what I need. I know sometimes it may feel like what I what is everything I need, but it's not. What I want isn't helping me get through anything, if anything what I want is hindering me from getting anywhere. Then why has letting go never been easy. I don't want to let go cause it's what I know. It's what I want to know at least, and I know that right now I have no idea what I know about it anymore. I'm clueless yet I'm still trying to hold on to what I use to know. (sigh)

All this talk about change, all this change. How can I do it, I'm not ready, I'm not prepared. I need a little more time, and I think that's just what I'm gonna do. Prepare, get ready, get myself a little more time to get out. I hope it's the right choice.

I had an interview at sonic yesterday, it was really random and I'm not really sure how it went. I had just woken up out of a nap and just literally got up and drove up there and talked to the guy for like 15 minutes. It was really disoriented but I hope it pulls through, I need some sort of cash coming in. I really wanna work at Dunn Bros. coffee shop though,

do you believe you're missing out,

that everything good is happening somewhere else?

but with no body in your bed,

the night's hard to get through.

And in this moment I am happy, happy,

I wish you were here:

So I'm sitting here in San Antonio and man does it feel good to get out of the Dfw area. I do love being home with my friends in the comfort of what is "home" but sometimes it's definitely nice to get away.

Recently I've been thinking about moving down here to go to school. Still working on that idea but it's looking pretty good. I could live with my cousin, she has her own apartment and I'd be able to drive to and from school. I'd get a job down here and just work and go to school. It'd almost being like starting a new life, a fresh start. I like that idea.

I've just been going through so much unnecessary shit that it really takes a toll on someone, you know? There's only so much one person can handle both physically and emotionally. (sigh) Although I know starting over would be nice, I know, I knowww I will miss a few certain people.

I have good friends, or at least I like to think so. Still, there are those instances when I question my friend's motives. I know that people aren't perfect but no reason to be a shitty friend. Keep to your word, keep your mouth shut, and listen when people talk.. the epitome of a good friend to me. Again, I'd like to think I have good friends.

Being here also makes me miss you, every time I'm here I'm reminded of you. How much I miss you, how much I love you. It's also a constant reminder of what I can and cannot have. There isn't a day that goes by that I think about us, it's SO frustrating and it's not at the same time. Sometimes I think about you and get sick to my stomach, literally. Most the time though, I can't help but smile.

wait one minute cause i don't know what to do,

you say that i'm the only one and that i'm so perfect for you,

but i knew that this would happen

and i knew that i'd panic & i knew we'd fall apart,

and i gave you my heart, my heart, i gave you my heart-

so this is my apology and i hope it means something

and i hope you will forgive me, cause i am falling apart.

Gotta get my shit together, and QUICK, so while I'm doing that I'm gonna try to enjoy the last weeks of summer and possibly the last weeks of Keller that I can. I'm not sure why life has to be so complicated, but I'm pretty sure if they weren't I wouldn't be able to live.

Brand new: Millstone

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.
I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
If you'd be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.
I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Take me, take me back to your bed

I love you so much that it hurts my head:

Wow, where to begin. I guess you can say that I am in the transition of things. My life has taken a turn, one of those 180 turns. One of those turns where you don't know what you're going to be doing the next month, week and sometimes, the next day.

But none the less, I know things will work out. Somehow, it always does. I'm not scared, I'm not worried, I am just ..not sure. But I won't fear what I don't know, I'm just taking it from sun up to sun down right now. The best I can do.

I'm really tired though. Not just physically but emotionally and everything else that can be tired. I've been fighting what I want for far too long. I haven't necessarily been forced to fight, but that's sure as hell what it feels like. I think now though, I'm going to be happy. I want to do things that make me happy. First off, I must find what makes me happy. A journey that has been long awaited,

I guess I have begun a new journey.

I'm not your friend
I'm not your lover,
I'm not your family